It’s been quite a while since I posted anything, here. Not even an update for ongoing projects. I’ve posted pictures on the Book of Faces, but other than that, I’ve been silent on the stitching front. Part of the reason is because three years on, I’m still processing various levels of grief for a variety of people and even this country (and that’s all I’m going to say on that particular subject in this post).
However, along about late spring or early summer of 2018, a dear friend of mine announced that his wife was finally pregnant and past her first trimester. Suffice it to say that they’d been trying for many years and were over the moon about passing that milestone. Naturally, I passed the news on to my bestie, Alesia who is the one that introduced me to Hal some years ago.
The conversation went something like this:
A: “We should do something special for them!”
S: “We totally should! I’ll have to dig through my stash and see if I have something that will work.”
A: “You could do another crib blanket!”
S: “I …. could. Dammit, why do you do this to me?!”
Needless to say, doing yet another crib blanket was the last thing I wanted to do, at the time of this conversation for one reason: To my perspective, it seemed as if I had just finished the last one from Bev’s list. Of course, grief is not kind to linear time and I realized it had been at least a year since I finished the last one. Alesia, whether consciously or not, had actually hit upon the one thing I might need to help reconcile those projects from a bittersweet experience to a much more joyous one.
Once the idea had taken root, I started perusing my favorite online stitching shop. Now, it may sound relatively easy to simply pick out a pattern, but do you know how saccharine sweet those things can be?! I mean, really… you almost need an insulin shot just to look at them. So, I had to find one that fit what I knew of their personalities, what fit with mine and yet was cute and adorable for a baby. After about an hour, I finally settled on one and ordered it. While waiting for it, I had a chance to gear up for stitching it and for setting aside other projects while I did so. I had a Yule project in the works, but a first baby only comes once, so that’s what I focused on for the rest of the year.
During that process, I obviously thought a lot about Bev, Alesia, and Theresa (another high school friend of 30+ years). All of them are best friends to me, in their own ways. Heart-sisters that I would aid however I could if they needed it. As with all sisters, we don’t (or didn’t) always agree. However, I knew they’d have my back if I needed it just as surely as I’d have theirs. I know that my life would be so much poorer if I’d never met them. I also know that living as far apart, physically, as we did made it difficult to maintain the friendship (before the advent of the intar-webs, folks). For instance, I don’t know Bev’s daughter, Debbie, as well as I might like and I know Theresa’s kids hardly at all. Alesia’s I know a bit better because we talk a lot about our kids to each other and I’ve spent vacation time with her boys when I visited her over the last 25 years. There is regret there for that lack and guilt, even if I know that I did what was right for me and my family.
That last I realized as I stitched this particular crib blanket. And I realized it when we had Theresa here visiting over the summer. “How far apart did we really move?” I asked myself. Not just in physical miles, but emotionally and spiritually. I know we’ve all changed over the years. That’s usually inevitable, but I found myself wondering just how much that change affected our friendships. I think the largest difference in how Bev and I changed is that I didn’t fight quite so hard to keep things the same. 🙂 We both had a difficult time with physical changes ( shifts in routines, scheduling shifts, &c.), but my being the “cleric” of our duo had me embracing the spiritual and emotional change more readily. I came to accept that our divergent growth was really okay. And that, my friends, was one of the realizations I needed in learning how to carry grief.
Being the eldest of my dad’s four girls had me taking on responsibility for nurturing and caring far earlier than I normally would. It was exacerbated by my parents’ alcoholism and divorce. So those habits of thought and deed are not so easily set aside. Nor is the guilt and regret for not fulfilling some part of my “role” because your friends are not on the same path as you. I felt as if I had somehow failed in my duty and responsibility in not getting her to see and understand some esoteric, essential truth because I wasn’t with her all the time, anymore. It was never conscious, that guilt and regret but realizing I had it helped me into that other realization: That it was okay if we’d grown differently. That we hadn’t lost anything that made our friendship so special, that we could and did stand strong together and apart.
I finished this blanket with more love and joy than I expected to because of that realization and I put it lovingly in its box and sent it on its way last week. Even though this weekend (Jan. 5 and 6) marks the third anniversary of Bev’s passing and I still grieve, the burden has shifted. It’s not quite such a heavy thing to carry, anymore. I will probably carry it for some time, yet but at least I know how to do that better.
Now, here are the pics of Emma’s blanket: